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Life grinding on

Posted By: Anon on this one
Date: 7/31/19 03:47

Iím sitting in a nice chair in my expansive office sipping a tasty (not alcoholic) beverage at a job that gives me incredible freedom to come and go as I please without anybody asking too many questions. And for that I am grateful and I shouldnít dismiss it, because it could all go away, but itís hard to find any meaning in it. I feel crushed by the weight of life. I have been able to see my children now, and when we are together I try and enjoy things for those moments, but itís also like a form of torture. They leave in my wifeís car and I am left by myself in a room where everything is meaningless mourning the loss of my family. I cry and ask God to give me faith and to help my wife, children and myself. But Iím not sure what Iím really asking for or what I should even expect to see as any sort of sign back if there is even such a thing. I have been trying to look at things from a wider perspective and use these trials to examine and improve myself. I try and take a longer term view and tell myself that this could all turn out for the best in the long run. But all that shit is just in my head.

I think I might be deluding myself. Iím trying to have faith in God but it also looks a lot like the desperation of man who will cling to anything. Iím praying but Iím not sure what Iím supposed to be hearing back. The campaign for self examination and self improvement seems like nothing more than the scrambling of a fool shutting the door after the horse has left the barn. The hope to reconcile with my wife just the delusion of someone who canít accept the reality of life. People keep saying that God wonít give you more than you can bear and Iím not sure what to make of it. I feel like Iím staring into the abyss from a comfortable chair and Iím scared to death that all that lies ahead is to plumb the depths and learn how bad it can truly get. I think there is some more rope left before Iím at the end but it seems to be getting a little frayed just from the feel of things. Everything seems to be designed to draw out the uncertainties. I guess I should be grateful that everything does seem so uncertain because it could be a whole lot worse.

Sorry for the rambling post but I hadnít put anything up in a while and needed to vent. If you believe in God please pray for my family. I donít know what to pray for or about anymore so I will just leave that up to you.

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